The Zero Calorie Hour

I don’t know about you, but I love my food. The junkier the better. Sadly my good friend Sharmila doesn’t share my sentiments on food. She’s so slim, trim and graceful, she could ride a feather.

She’s in to fad diets. She once spent fifteen days on just boiled vegetables and she told me it was a lifting experience.

It would be, I thought, especially if you lived near the sea, that too in the windy months.
And yesterday I had dropped in at her place with some sweets fried in ghee. Actually they were meant for me, but I had managed to source some lettuces for her.

“Sin!” she cried when she saw my pack which said ”real ghee in our sweets!”.
” Just a little” I said apologetically.

“Fried sin!” she cried again.

“I’ll have just one” I said weakly but she snatched the bag of goodies from me and threw them in to the loft.

“From today you go on a diet” she commanded. ”What’s your weight?” she asked sternly.
“------------- Plus or minus ten kilos,”I said.

“@@##$$$$%%*^%!”she said and I blushed.

“Woman, you’ll not live beyond fifty!” she said cheerfully.

I’ll live that long, provided I don’t get swept away by cyclones, tsunamis or get shot by kind people, who have to kill me for their cause.

“Now, have this, you’ll become lighter and prettier!” she pushed a china plate towards me.
“Nice plate” I said wondering when she’ll serve food.

“These lettuces carry no calories, but they’ll be filling. You can have just one after you get used to it” she said.

Lettuces? I had thought they were part of some design on that plate. There were two of them, thoughtfully arranged on that plate so that they wont feel lonely.

I burst out sobbing and she held me through my tears. Nice girl. All the while she told me I should try self hypnosis and “feel light”. She chanted that mantra for some time and I did feel considerably lighter after that. Hip hip hurray for hypnosis!

But what’s that thing slumped on the sofa? That looks like me! Omigod! That’s me! And I must be dead! No wonder I feel light!

“Hey, wake up! see, I told you’ll feel filled up with this magic food! You’ve fallen asleep!”

It was Sharmila. I was back in my body and I must tell you I just loved every extra pound of it.

I pried myself away from that sofa and made a dash for her front door.

“I know of a certain zero- calorie food! Great on your skin too! Its called… water!” I said and scooted out of her place before she could shoot me.


Subasri Narendran