The Zero Calorie Hour

I don’t know about you, but I love my food. The junkier the better. Sadly my good friend Sharmila doesn’t share my sentiments on food. She’s so slim, trim and graceful, she could ride a feather.

She’s in to fad diets. She once spent fifteen days on just boiled vegetables and she told me it was a lifting experience.

It would be, I thought, especially if you lived near the sea, that too in the windy months.
And yesterday I had dropped in at her place with some sweets fried in ghee. Actually they were meant for me, but I had managed to source some lettuces for her.

“Sin!” she cried when she saw my pack which said ”real ghee in our sweets!”.
” Just a little” I said apologetically.

“Fried sin!” she cried again.

“I’ll have just one” I said weakly but she snatched the bag of goodies from me and threw them in to the loft.

“From today you go on a diet” she commanded. ”What’s your weight?” she asked sternly.
“------------- Plus or minus ten kilos,”I said.

“@@##$$$$%%*^%!”she said and I blushed.

“Woman, you’ll not live beyond fifty!” she said cheerfully.

I’ll live that long, provided I don’t get swept away by cyclones, tsunamis or get shot by kind people, who have to kill me for their cause.

“Now, have this, you’ll become lighter and prettier!” she pushed a china plate towards me.
“Nice plate” I said wondering when she’ll serve food.

“These lettuces carry no calories, but they’ll be filling. You can have just one after you get used to it” she said.

Lettuces? I had thought they were part of some design on that plate. There were two of them, thoughtfully arranged on that plate so that they wont feel lonely.

I burst out sobbing and she held me through my tears. Nice girl. All the while she told me I should try self hypnosis and “feel light”. She chanted that mantra for some time and I did feel considerably lighter after that. Hip hip hurray for hypnosis!

But what’s that thing slumped on the sofa? That looks like me! Omigod! That’s me! And I must be dead! No wonder I feel light!

“Hey, wake up! see, I told you’ll feel filled up with this magic food! You’ve fallen asleep!”

It was Sharmila. I was back in my body and I must tell you I just loved every extra pound of it.

I pried myself away from that sofa and made a dash for her front door.

“I know of a certain zero- calorie food! Great on your skin too! Its called… water!” I said and scooted out of her place before she could shoot me.


Subasri Narendran

The Number Game

“V.RMMMKHNNDUR” the wooden name board on the grill gate said. I wondered whether I was in the right place. But Ramachander had given this address to me .I rang the bell to find a beaming Ramachander standing in front of me .He beamed some more when he saw the cheque book in my hand.


I asked about that strange name on his gate and he laughed saying it was very much his name but with an improved spelling. ”How do you pronounce it?” I asked.
”Ramachander, of course” he said looking at me strangely.


He told me ever since he changed the way his name was spelt, he had not stopped climbing the ladder of success. Now, where would that land him? I wondered.
The stratosphere? Or the ionosphere? Since I wasn’t sure which one was supposed be at a higher level I stopped the train of thoughts.


On a more mundane level though, he said good things were happening in the home front.
His wife watched less number of weepy serials and his children were doing better at school. They managed to get an average of 45% instead of their standard 40%.
His customers were complaining less and his assistants were working harder. He was even considering a business expansion.
All this sounded like a fairy tale but I felt bad about the lack of right vowels in his name.


“What’s a vowel? He said philosophically.” They are meant for people who are content with the peanuts they are earning”.


He noticed my face which went from medium brown to dark brown and had the grace to blush. But he said ”I didn’t mean to make fun of you” and rubbed some salt and
garam masala on my fresh wound.


I put my then boiling head down and filled his name on the cheque leaf. I managed to get his new spelling right as he dictated it with a kind of devotional fervor.
Suddenly the room seemed to fill with an unearthly light .It was magical.
May be this name –number theory is true after all! Yes!


I too should change my spelling to “ssbbadddissshoibll” or something and pronounce it the usual way, I thought.


I looked up to find rmmmkhnndur’s face glow like a 10000 watt bulb filling the place
with light and wondered why.


I found out the reason when I looked down at the cheque leaf on which I had written
“ten thousand only” instead of the part payment of “thousand only” I had planned to write.


Yes, let’s face it; numbers do have a lot of power.



Subasri Narendran, Chennai.